Adventure #18-- The Time When Travel Took Me Home

When I abandon something I love, I need emotional space. When I make a big decision about myself, I sometimes have to close a door for a long time. Then maybe, someday, I can go back for a visit.

In college, I had two academic loves-- history and Latin. I especially loved Latin, but I never felt like I had a natural talent for it, so I minored in it for fun. I thought of Latin like I thought of being in the university choir-- I am no amazing singer, but I'm at least capable of carrying a tune, and I enjoyed it a great deal. After I graduated, I taught history and Latin. It was the most terrible job I've ever had, but not because of the history, or the Latin, or even the teaching, for that matter. The politics of it were awful and I was terrible at classroom management. But, not being one to give up (see also: stubborn), I decided to keep going in that same direction. I moved back home to get married, and decided I would apply to grad school to get an M.A. in Latin and go back to teaching. I was even accepted by a couple of programs. But two years after I left my first and only classroom, I was still having nightmares about teaching. I was struggling through my second semester of Greek, and finally admitted to myself that maybe I needed to explore other options.

Eventually, through a truly random series of events, I decided to take an accounting course. It turns out I had found a new love. But the decision to pursue accounting as a career was not easy. It seemed like everything accounting meant for me, as a career and as an academic discipline stood in stark contrast with the study of the classics that I loved so much. I wasn't just leaving the ivory tower, I was setting it on fire and walking away to the land of Business, never to return. I felt like I was letting down all of the brilliant and kind professors I had the privilege of learning from. I felt like I was letting go of a major piece of who I was and who I had always expected I would be. I mean, tax accounting? Really???

Really.

So I left Latin and history behind. I worked full time and went to school full time, and networked, and tutored, and took and passed the CPA exam. I'm a very happy tax accountant now. I love my life, and I love my job. I don't regret for one minute that I've gone in this direction. Plus they tell you that Sewanee teaches you how to think. As far as I'm concerned, "analyze, don't summarize" should be Sewanee's second motto along with "EQB"... and tax accounting is very analytical. So in that way, it suits.

But at the same time I've finally had enough distance for long enough that I can now begin to go back home to the things that were so meaningful to me in the past. I'm not exhausted by constant schoolwork, so I can read and explore on my own terms. I can be a tax accountant who reads the Aeneid and watches historical documentaries. For fun! Because I'm a giant nerd.

Perfection.

So, I decided that I was going to reread the Odyssey during my travels in Greece. And I did.

We had an entire day at sea on the leg of the trip between Venice and Corfu. I made fairly good progress in the book, getting to the point where the Phaecians bring Odysseus home to Ithaka. Poseidon, who has a grudge against Odysseus, finds out what they have done, gets angry, and turns the Phaecian ship into stone right before it gets to land.

The next day, I had one of those random joyful moments that brings tears to your eyes because you are so overwhelmed by something you can't explain. We got on the bus in Corfu and our tour guide started talking about the various places we were going to go that day-- a distillery, an orthodox monastery, a restaurant on top of a mountain with a fantastic view... and a rock in the harbor that is said to have been a ship turned to stone when returning from bringing Odysseus home to Ithaka. It turns out that Corfu is the modern name for the land of the Phaecians.

The one in the back. 

So yes, I cried right there on that bus. And I cried again when I saw the rock. Because there I was, halfway around the world and suddenly brought back home by a modern-day Phaecian.

Adventure #17-- Cold Brewing Coffee

I don't know if you've heard about cold brewing coffee. I heard about it first when I was working at Stirlings, but we didn't have room to do anything but what we already did. I assumed cold brewing was complicated and took a lot of equipment. I also didn't drink coffee, so the matter of cold brewing completely left my mind until recently.

I started drinking coffee during tax season. Hot coffee still has not won me over, but "addiction" may perhaps not be too strong a word for what I felt towards these beauties:

Get in my belleh

Ingredients? Coffee, milk, and sugar. Actual sugar, not corn syrup. Something in the neighborhood of $2 a bottle. One or two of those a day? It starts to add up. Not going to happen on a continual basis. So I started looking for iced coffee recipes, presuming I'd have to get a coffee pot, brew hot coffee, wait 'til it cooled, etc. 

But no. I found the Pioneer Woman recipe for iced coffee. It turns out that cold brewing means you put coffee grounds in a container, add water, and let it sit for at least 8 hours. I put half a pound of coffee in a plastic 1 gallon pitcher and filled it with water and let it sit overnight and partly into the next day. 

I used Cafe du Monde coffee for no reason other than
some girl from work cold brews too, and she's from Lousiana
and orders this coffee by the case, so she gave me
a brick of it for free. Thanks, Caroline!

After letting the coffee sit, you strain out the grounds (I used a coffee filter inside a wire mesh strainer), and you are left with... a sort of iced coffee concentrate. You probably would not want to drink the concentrate on its own unless you are brass of stomach or ball. So I added milk and some simple syrup to mine, and kablam! Sweet creamy victory way more delicious than the starbucks in a jar. The Pioneer Woman says that a batch of iced coffee concentrate made with a pound of coffee and two gallons of water lasts her about a month if kept tightly closed in the fridge. A pound of coffee is about $10-$12 bucks, and that lasts a month? Way more economical, too. 39¢ a day, plus however much a splash of milk costs.

Hello, beautiful!

Adventure #16 -- Thinking about Style Icons, How I look, and What I Want

Oh, how you've all missed me, amirite? Well get excited for the best kind of blog post evah: the kind with lots of pictures! 

So, at the end of last summer, I got rid of most of my casual summer clothes. I had worn them into the ground. Right now I have a grand total of... two t shirts and one or two sundresses? And just about nothing else. For real. I have one pair of shorts, but they, uhm, seem to have shrunk. Damn you, shoddily made shrinking shorts!

At any rate, there is this notion of Style Icons. You know. Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Kennedy and people like that. Do any of these women look remotely like me? No.

How I dress vs. how I look for real.
I clearly do not know how to dress so that I look how I look.
I don't know if I want to dress how I look. It's... a conundrum.
I would have fit in super well in the '50s though, I tell you what.

I actually can't seem to find a woman of the petite and hourglassy type to study. Maybe Elizabeth Taylor before all the pills? But it's not like I can go prancing around in skintight slips and satin heels waiting for my gay alcoholic husband to want to do a thang.

Not work appropriate?
What about for a quick jaunt to the Publix?

Super helpful, right? 

So I've been looking around online for some inspiration for idea of things I like, if not for actual women who look like me, and this is what I've come up with:

Casual clothes

These five images are from Sweet Southern Prep. She shops pretty much exclusively at J. Crew and Tory Burch, from what I can tell. I think all of the above clothing items are from J. Crew, except for the Lilly shorts. What I like about her style are all the bright colors. Everything looks so crisp and clean but comfortable and appropriate. 

These three images are from Classy Girls Wear Pearls. In fact, I had a slight life crisis and almost wrote a long-winded post about how old and insecure I felt after reading her blog... you should all be lucky that I had the good sense not to publish that post. I realized I was being absurd when I found out that this girl is a model and the girlfriend of Kiel James Patrick. So yeah, obviously she's going to look amazing and wear $1,000 outfits every day and be photographed by some genius. She wears a lot of long sleeved tops with shorts, which I approve of. She wears bright colors too, but if you go to her website, you'll see that she also wears a lot of interesting prints, mostly of animals. I am obsessed with that sheep sweater. It turns out that someone else was too:

So here I am with plenty of ideas of things I like and not really a clue if they look good on me. When I google "dressing an hourglass body" all I get are pictures of very tight, sexy dresses, none of which are made from natural fibers, and all of which involve a prominent showcasing of the boobies. Not helpful. 

Adventure #14 -- Picking Apart Why Motherhood Intimidates Me (the answer is the internet)

I'm at the age when people have babies. I've been married for five and a half years. JJ and I are educated, both have stable jobs, and we have a house. So "obviously" the next milestone is having a kid. And we probably will in a couple of years.

But I'm going to be honest here, I find motherhood very intimidating. It seems like such an awful and terrifying thing, and I will tell you why I think that is:

The Internet.

I'm pretty sure the internet ruined everything. If I were in the same position I am now in 1982 or 1975, I would probably have already had a kid without giving it much of a thought. But right now, the more I read about motherhood on the internet the more intimidated I become.

I am not a particularly political person. But it seems like every decision about motherhood/parenting these days is like belonging to some sort of radical zealot political party and the internet is a psychotic echo chamber that makes everything Much Bigger Than It Needs To Be. Every decision is breathlessly cataloged on blogs and "mommy" websites, then rabidly picked apart and judged by others on the internet. This then translates to groups of women who all basically hate each other in real life with as much smug condescending scorn as republicans and democrats hate each other (which I also think is unbelievably absurd, but that's another rant for another day).

Anyway, the expectations I will face if I choose to have a kid make me feel like the wind has gone out of my sails. And maybe some of these expectations are a class issue. But I know what is expected of me. I am expected to breast-feed. For a year. And to be devastated if I can't. I am expected to explore alternative birthing options, and probably pick the one that means I will be in the maximum amount of pain. I am expected to limit my child's TV watching. I am expected to do the majority of my child's science fair project. I am expected to spend hundreds of dollars and hours on elaborate and beautiful birthday parties and holidays. I am expected to put my child on the waiting list for the "best" daycare the day I find out I'm pregnant and then feel horribly guilty about going back to work. I am expected to walk some magical perfect line between being nurturing and fostering independence. I am expected to put a few photos of my baby up on facebook, but not too many (and let's be honest, I already put up too many photos of my cats). I am expected to research schools, send my kid to the best one, help with homework every day, and be involved in the PTA. I am expected to lose the baby weight in the first year, though six months would be better.

How do I know that these are just a few of the thousands of subtle or overt expectations that I will face? Because I've seen it in real life and I've read about it on the Giant Terrifying Internetz. It's like I'm a baby-hypochondriac and the internet is the webMD that answers every time "you have a special form of cancer known as 'You Will Permanently Damage Your Child and Be a Pariah In Civilized Society and Other Mothers and Also Childless Women Will Hate You'".

This is maybe why I couldn't stop crying inappropriately over the last year or so as I tried to think about whether or not I wanted to have a kid. Places I cried included the Janie & Jack outlet in Opry Mills, my sister-in-law's baby shower, in front of nearly every friend I have (one of whom I called on the phone specifically so I could cry about this), and at a baptism at church when I was sitting in the choir stalls (in front of the whole church) surrounded by pregnant women. They were all like, "Are you okay?" Hell no, I'm not okay. The internet has made me terrified of motherhood, but has also instilled two other fears:

• I might horribly regret not having a kid because it will likely be one of the most profound experiences in my life.
• I'm old as Methuselah (biologically speaking) and my insides are turning to dust within me and OHMYGOD WHAT IF IT'S TOO LATE?!?!?! It's not politically correct to talk about this, but as far as fertility goes, I've only got a good five more years before I have to start taking all the scary extra tests because I might birth a two-headed baby.

It wasn't until I read an article (ON THE INTERNET!) written by some lady about how she basically did the bare minimum (which wasn't anything near abuse, she just refused to do her kid's school projects, ate soft cheese while she was pregnant, and forced her kids to get their own buckets to throw up in when they were sick once, which apparently counts as the bare minimum these days) that I began to consider that maybe I could have a kid someday. This lady has three or four grown up well-adjusted kids. I can't for the life of me find the article, which is driving me crazy, considering it was what changed my previously held hard-line stance against having kids.

It turns out that I'm not actually afraid of having a kid. I'm afraid of the expectations.

Who could be afraid of this? Look at that sweet little face.
(Yours truly, circa 1984)

I think if I'm going to have a chance of having a sane relationship with the concept of motherhood, I'm going to have to stop reading about it. I cut myself off from webMD once, and I think it's time to cut myself off from reading about motherhood and use the internet for its intended purpose-- looking at pictures of cats.

Adventure #13 -- In which I outline the things I think are abominations

Abomination. It's a good word. It has a strong religious "hellfire & damnation" subtext that I appreciate greatly.

I enjoy declaring that various things are abominations. Here, in no particular order are the five abominations I could think of off the top of my head after accidentally drinking a rather strong gin & tonic.

1. Extremely cheap gin

So, there was a point last year where I was simultaneously kinda broke and also having people over a lot. First of all, let me say that I am by no means a Bombay Sapphire kind of girl. I actually think it tastes too much like vodka. I also do not like Hendrick's. Too cucumbery. I want my gin to taste like gin. I usually go for regular Bombay which is probably about $30 a handle. (Gotta buy handles, it's much more economical!)... Anyway. I was in the booze store, and I saw New Amsterdam. Which was about $20 an handle. I cheaped out. NEVER cheap out in the gin aisle. Especially if you are buying in bulk. New Amsterdam gin tastes like orange dreamsicles. Maybe it's acceptable after you've had several other cocktails, or if you need liquor to wash down an actual orange dreamsicle, but as far as I'm concerned, it is an abomination. Anything cheaper than New Amsterdam is also likely an abomination. An undrunk section of that handle is still in my house, though several handles of bombay have come and gone (into my liver) since.

2. Truck balls

Abomination. 

3. Sweet white wine

EEWWWWW. If you want (alcoholic) kool-ade, just drink it. Go to sonic, drink a quarter of your cherry limeade or purple slushy thing and replace it with vodka. You're an adult now and can do what you want. (Unless you are a child, in which case, put down the bottle, get back to studying, and kindly remove yourself from my lawn). Sweet white wine? Abomination. Cheap champagne (other than korbel, which is an abomination), is acceptable.


4. Low-fat cheese and other fake food-like objects

I mean, really? Because that springy squeaky chemical-laden texture somehow indicates that this product is more healthy than actual cheese? I seriously doubt it. If you want to eat cheese and not gain weight, here's a secret: DONT EAT THE ENTIRE WHEEL. You'll be fine. Really. This also goes for artificial sweeteners, low carb carbs, and fake meat including, but not limited to, turkey bacon. How is pumping a food full of artificial chemicals, sweeteners, etc. (in an attempt to make it something other than what it is) going to make it anything other than an abomination? I don't know.

5. Liquid silver polish

I don't really know why this was invented, considering how completely useless it is. It is so thin and awful. The paste-like polish is the only one worthwhile. Plus it comes in the tub with the sponge, which is also much more functional than whatever rag you use to apply the liquid. Liquid silver polish= abomination. 

Adventure #12 -- Tuppence a Bag

Mary Poppins is one of my favorite movies. I rarely watch it, but frequently think of it. There are just so many great things about it-- the music, the actors, the crazy old man who sets off his canon throughout the day, sister suffragettes, jumping into a chalk drawing and going on a fox hunt, the sweet, darling penguins, tea party on the ceiling, England, the "fidelity fiduciary bank"... (probably why I wanted to be a banker when I was a kid...yeah, I was weird)...

Anyway, point being, I have developed this urge to feed the birds. In my yard.

When we lived in Sewanee, we didn't have a backyard. We had the woods. Three feet from our backdoor was where the woods started. Needless so say, we had lots and lots of birds. If you sat still and paid attention for a few seconds, you could hear them chirping (and feathering their nest, with very little time to rest, while gathering their bits of twine and twig!-- Seriously, Mary Poppins, such good music). It was nice.

This morning the damned cats woke me up early. So I retreated to the guest room to shut them up/ play with them and noticed I could hear the birds. I like that and I want it to keep happening. So, as of today, I think I may become a crazy bird lady (like my mother) in addition to being a crazy cat lady. Our yard is already pretty bird friendly, so I think it shouldn't be too difficult to make it even better. We just need to keep the bastard squirrels from eating everything. So.

I got the squirrel deterrent:

"Does it say anything about leaving piles
of squirrel diarrhea in your yard?" -JJ
I married well, y'all. 

And the feeder:

Squirrel Slayer 3000 (not really)

We're going to put it up on the back deck and feed the birds. I really want some cedar waxwings to come visit, but I think they mostly eat berries.

Like their wings are dipped in red wax. Apparently
they've been at the Makers Mark, the little lushes.

Adventure #11 -- Spending well

How often do you buy something that is "totally worth it"?

For me, the things that are worth it are some of the most random purchases. And some of the things I think will be the best EVAR are complete flops.

I recently turned 29, and I was going to get an iphone for my birthday. There are a few things you should know about me: I'm extremely cheap, I've never had a smartphone, and I've never had a phone contract. I pay $30 a month for unlimited talk and text for a piece of crap burner blackberry knockoff that is clunky and terribly unhip. I mean, it's totally fine. But I wanted an iphone. In preparation for the purchase, we started looking around online, and it turns out if you are actually going to buy an iphone (and of course you *have* to get the 5) and you don't have a parent to pay for it, it's going to run you over $2,500 over the course of two years. Yeah, no. I completely freaked out.

You know what I can do for $2,500? Fly to Venice for a few days and then take a cruise of the Greek isles for a week. Or I could get a really amazing rug. And a gorgeous antique sideboard. Would I give that up to have siri in my pocket? Unlikely. On the other hand, a friend from work told me the iphone changed her life almost as much as having her twin children. For her, it's worth it.

For me, it's a shot in the dark. Will I eventually have Siri, a rug, furniture, and exotic vacations? I sure hope so. But for now I have to prioritize. Which got me thinking about things I've spent money on.

Here in no particular order, and for no particular reason, are things in my life that are totally "worth it":



1. Good knives-- we spent a ton of our wedding money on a set of ridiculously nice Wusthof knives and have never looked back. The santoku in particular has been a tremendous workhorse.

2. Stainless steel cookware-- after living with a hodgepodge of bachelor pots and pans and scratched up nonstick (yum, tastes like cancer!), we got this awesome set off of amazon for a steal a few years ago. I think it was on special sale for $99. We use at least one piece from the set daily, and unlike nonstick, it's not going to end up in a landfill in 6 months. It's also still really shiny, which does it for me, quite frankly.



3. Glass tupperware-- I'm scared of how plastic always turns orange. What IS THAT? Glass is the bomb. It's also deeply cathartic to throw all of the mismatched warped orange plastic crap in the recycling bin.

4. The living room rug-- not to sound like a freak, but [begin npr voice] it really brought the room together. It was the first grown up house purchase JJ and I made together, and all of a sudden we realized our house could look like more than a dorm room. We then both promptly went back to school and were totally broke for years, but the rug is awesome.

5. Expensive makeup-- and by "expensive" I mean "a step up from drugstore". This is me we're talking about, people. There is no Chanel or Guerlain on my face. Yet. I finally broke down and bought the exorbitantly expensive YSL concealer. But no one has told me I look tired since I bought it, so hah! I just love fancy makeup. I became bitterly jealous of the person who stole my credit card number and spent $3,000 at Sephora in France. Whoever invented foundation primer was a genius, and whoever invented eyelid primer is an even bigger genius, and I will pay them handsomely for their genius.

6. Expensive face wash-- Bare Minerals purifying facial cleanser, to be precise. Loveth. Doesn't mess with my incredibly sensitive skin. A bottle lasts forever and it smells so nice.

7. Gray pants/any wardrobe basic ever-- I hate buying wardrobe basics, I hate spending money for wardrobe basics, but I have NEVER regretted buying them once the initial cheapskate pain has subsided. If I ever whine about spending $70 on a pair of charcoal grey pants, slap me and remind me that I will wear them so often I'll be scared to dry clean them because it would mean being apart from them for too long.

8. A giant bed and amazing mattress-- REVOLUTIONIZED MY LIFE. After spending 5 years of marriage in a full size bed with with 6'3 husband and a cat, the king sized bed and giant pillowtop mattress have changed my life. I can turn over without waking up. JJ can turn over without me waking up. We can spin around like rotisserie chickens without disturbing each other. Magnificence.

9. A leather jacket-- impulse purchase in 2005 back when the noog mall still had a Wilson's Leather. My aunt sent me a $100 check for Christmas, and they were having a $99 sale on leather jackets. I got a white one with a white rabbit fur collar. It currently looks like gaping butt, but it served me very well for many many years.



10. The "rolly box"-- I bought a $35 box for my cats to crap in. But instead of scooping it, I roll it. Changed my life almost as much as the king sized bed.

Stay tuned for the exciting sequel: Spending poorly